10 Ways to Spot a Player

Simply put, you can't spot a player. What you can do though is keep an eye out for any of the following signs that may save you the bother of an achy breaky heart.

You can't take any tip on it's own. They only mean something taken in combination. For example - tip #5 doesn't mean much on it's own but in combination with #4 and #8, you may find yourself in potential trouble.

Prevention, as anyone in the medical profession will tell you, is always better than cure.

Most tips read like common sense. Yet typically common sense is the first thing you lose when you get involved with someone. Hence my first advice to take things slowly.

Despite the title, I am not really sure if a "player" exists. Surely no one rubs their hands together and throws their head back with an evil "wah haha hah" laugh after a newly fresh broken heart?

I think it is more likely that there is a mismatch between dating intentions; one person wants a relationship but the other person wants to mostly have some fun. Or, perhaps they do want a serious relationship, but sadly not with you. Ouch.

Somehow the funster and the serious dater get mixed up like two odd socks in a wash.

So in the spirit of equal opportunities, let us imagine that there is no such thing as a "player" but instead a "funster." There is no playing of you like an air guitar, but more a mismatch between people and intentions in the laundry basket of love. An easy mistake to make, yet there is no harm in preventing this fauz pas with a simple check - is your date a serious foot glove or a pop sock?

Socks and intentions might differ but the trouble with intentions is that they are not always as clear. Here are some helpful clues that can help you along the way...

Pre-advice. Take things slowly dive in feet first at your peril. The best decisions are never the ones you make quickly. If you take your time you can check that you are both singing from the same dating song sheet and both want the same thing from dating. Fun + fun = two happy people. Serious + serious + two happy people. Any other combination will only end in tears.

Slowing down is easier said then done when you become smitten - perhaps near impossible. With this in mind, it is worth going at a canter rather than a gallop so that you don't make an emotional investment in something that might not work out.

Take things slowly - love funsters are not long term investors and are unlikely to be motivated to hang around.

While taking things slowly, look out for any of the following red flags. One or two make for a little worry, 3 or more make for a Mexican wave of anxiety.
Here goes...

#1. A big hook
Serious funsters have an obvious hook relating to power, status, job or any tasty tidbit which is tantalizing to their target. When you look up close, the hook is not the tasty worm you thought it was but an obvious wriggler that has achieved guaranteed success in the past. Tasty bait is used by fisherman to catch fish.They are not threading that juicy worm to their line for a long term friendship. Make sure you don't get caught in the check by an obvious hook and remember that, if something seems to good to be true, it often is.

Lady funsters - too good to be true posed photo, often only one image available.

Gentlemen funsters - job status in dating byline or photo posed with child or pet.

#2. A lot of talk about a lot of dates
A flag with a red hue is a date who relays numerous dating yarns to you. For example, "I once dated someone who... " (x 15). Also, starting sentences yet being oblivious to the consequences of how it sounds to innocent ears. Take the following for example, "Are you the one who does [insert hobby/experience that belongs to someone else]." Oops.

Plus, if you meet a date a number of times and they never seem to remember what you have said, you have to wonder if it is a case of too many dates spoiling the memory banks.

Despite the recommendation to date a number of people in order to meet a potential Mr or Ms Right, it is a worry if someone is constantly dating but not making any connection. This is why employers get in a panic if your resume looks like you are leaping about from one employer to the next with wild abandon. Everyone likes to see a bit of stability before they choose to invest.

#3. No kindred same sex buddies
Not always the case, but I do feel it is a little fishy if a date has not even one friend of their own gender. Friendships with the same sex involve a certain reliance on qualities that are harder to quantify than being a big hotty. It doesn't mean that there aren't millions of earnest friendships out there between men and women, but I do feel that it is a little odd if someone does not have at least one or two kinship with someone of the same gender ilk.

Same sex, booty free friendships require commitment - they are hardly ever work-free.

I suspect too that if a charmer has friends only of the opposite sex, it might be a sign that they have chomped through so many romances that a few have got stuck in their teeth as friends. The lack of same sex buddies is not a deal breaker but take this tip with #4 or #5 and you might have yourself a bright, red flag.

#4. Text chess
Anything that involves unwritten rules regarding when to text, how long to wait until texting back and trying to be anything other than being completely natural is plain head work that you don't need. Life is too short. No one in their last moments wishes they spent more time in the office, and no one will wish they waited a bit longer in between texts before pressing the send button. Anyway, what happened to using the phone to make a call? People who are prepared to talk on the phone are very impressive. It shows they are willing to put themselves on the line, excuse the pun, and also that they really want to get to know you - not just the style of your text banter.

Funsters prefer text because -
- texting is well, fun
- text is not a big commitment
- you can text lots of people at the same time

A serious dater would overcome the phonaphobia and phone you for a real live conversation, and a real live connection.

#5. Hot and Cold
One minute you find yourself relaxing into the warm fuzzy feeling of a possible happy every after and the next it has all gone weird and you don't know why.

A serious contender for your affections wouldn't change from hot to cold like a dodgy hotel shower. You can wait miserably trying to get the hot water and warm water to make friends but you always end up scorched or freezing cold and having to give up on the idea of a shower completely. You can never win with one of those showers, never. Do you ever remember a time when the shower has sorted itself out and you had a nice shower? Nope.

The beginning bit of any relationship with a date, or new friend even, is always a delicate and potentially topsy turvey stage. Yet it is worth trying to wriggle free early on if your romantic highs are followed by confusing lows. Othersise, you might find yourself sitting beltless on an unpredicatable relationship roller coaster rise which can only ever end in tears.

#6. Gaps in the love resume
Maybe your date has not yet been lucky enough to have met someone special, so my apologies in advance if this is the case. I don't think that this tip can be taken on it's own at all. However #5 if taken in combination with #3 to #7 can hold as a potential flag of the crimson colour.

If someone has no history of even one serious relationship that has lasted longer than a few runs of Friends, that should be reason for a little trepidation. There are exceptions of course, perhaps you are dating a monk who disrobed upon coming across your royal loveliness or perhaps a person who has been so consumed by an academic or job career that they have never been able to juggle this commitment with a human being. You'll need to put it in to context for yourself.

There could be all sorts of reasons for a lack of relationship history, but fairly or unfairly, history is important. Mortgage companies agree with me on this one. I had a poor credit rating simply because I had no credit rating. I thought I would get a prize instead of a rejection for not having ever had a Credit Card. Simply put, people judge the future by your past.

We all feel a bit more confident with a bit of positive history. Take bidding on eBay for example. I feel much happier buying from a seller who has lots of feedback rather than one with zero feedback. Sign of previous successful transactions in business and affairs of the heart (although not too many, just enough) give us confidence. Proof of past positive relationships are akin to having super seller status.

#7. Dating profile "viva forever"
This is just a no no. If you are seeing someone and they haven't deleted or even hidden their dating profile, they are either so stunned with fondness for you that they have lost the use of their digits to operate a simple procedure, or they are amusing themselves whilst looking over your shoulder for someone better to come along.

Don't believe that your date have been befuddled by the powers of technology. If you can Google 'how do I remove my dating profile', you can work out how to delete or hide your profile.

Perhaps they are frugal and should be admired for their healthy attitude to making the most of their paid subscription. But what if you met on a free free dating site?

Run, run for the hills...

#8. Speedy Gonzalez
Practice makes perfect. Becoming a skilled and confident wooer is achieved with lots of practice. If a date is super charming and yet super speedy with it too, you can imagine the trail of hearts that possibly led to this expertise. With online dating you are wise to, if anything, take things much slower than offline dating.

Humans and speed never bode well - think fast food, doughnut eating competitions, binge drinking and even eating your lunch quickly while running for the metro. Slow is better and safer for your internal organs, and that goes for your heart too.

#9. Spheres of influence
For this one, I am pinching an idea from a Career Theory course that I am currently having a tea break from, and applying it to the career course of the heart.

Career theorists put a lot of emphasis on the communities that surround us and the impact of their influence. What are the influences in your life? How do they compare to the immediate circles of your new beau? The people we are surrounded by and the communities that we are a part of can tell us a lot about people, their motivations and hopes for the future.

Hopefully the people that surround you are a little bit like the people that surround your new beau. A big contrast spells trouble. For example, if your immediate circle of pals consist of friends with long term partners that have been together so long that you can't remember them ever not being a two headed love monster, and in comparison your date's friends are all single and on the pull every weekend, you can take a pop at guessing you are mis-matched socks with regards to dating intentions.

#10. Flirting to the point of no return
Some people are naturally flirtatious and speak the language of flirt like a native. Flirting is an evolutionary tool that often smooths the way to disarm friends, neighbors and colleagues. It can make the world a more fun place to be. When well meaning, flirting is nothing sinister at all and a charm to be admired an emulated, if you can pull it off.

However, if you are seeing someone who is into you, they should be so into you that despite their flirty charms, they can reign it in a bit and save the flirting for you.

If you find yourself, for example, looking around like a toddler lost in a grocery store aisle only to find your partner being a big flirt, completely oblivious, then perhaps this is one of the reddest flags of them all.

What sock are you?
Sometimes you have to have a good look in the foot mirror and think about your own intentions. Are you being an honest sock? Have you found a fun sock who you think you might be able to turn into a serious sock but in the meantime you are pretending (to yourself mostly) that you just want fun too?

If your beau has made it pretty clear (with words and everything) that you are not their dream sock, you have to pick your heart up off the floor and try and accept it rather than try and change it.

Reasons why you should give up:

> Your friends will get bored of picking up the pieces when it is clear to everyone that you are in a funship, not a relationship.
> You will be using up precious time chasing a funster when you could be investing time and energy in looking for a sock of the more serious nature.
> Being heartbroken and crushed is never a good look.

Take comfort that if we are not broken, we always bounce back. And remember not to let the ouch experiences put you off the search. Did you ever not go back to eBay after having a not so great experience with one item? No way! You kept trying and have a load of goodies to show for it.

On that note, I will leave you with words from the founder of eBay, Pierre Omidyar. While acknowledging in 1996 that there were a few dishonest types that made the eBay lark a little disappointing at times, he confirmed what we all sleep better believing -

"Most people are honest. And they mean well."

Sally works at the University of Sussex in the Careers service and has recently dipped a toe into online dating. Interests include technology, health and society.