Help! I Think I'm In a Relationship With a Narcissist - Part 3

What's Happening to Me? I think I'm in a Relationship with a Narcissist! Part 3

Trying to Find Closure with a Narcissistic Relationship

It's often difficult to find closure with Narcissists, such as why things need to end. Their emotional capacity is often so impaired, that it is often best to try to find closure on your end. Cutting off cold turkey is so you can begin to heal apart from them. Having a little contact with them will only create opportunities for them to try to convince you not to leave until you give in and the cycle starts again. To allow for even a little contact every so often, is like leaving the door unlocked to your house when you've been alerted that the neighborhood has experienced multiple thefts. People who have either married or had children with a Narcissist or were children of Narcissists will need a lot of emotional support, healing, and very firm boundaries with minimal contact as possible with the Narcissist.

Therapy is often a necessity along with very supportive people for those who were formerly involved with a Narcissist. A support group for victims of Narcissistic abuse might also be another ideal option. Feeling drained, caught in a web of the Narcissist's deceit, the shock of finding out they were not who they originally presented can cause a lot of trauma emotionally and psychologically. They saw Dr. Jeckl and Mr./Ms. Hyde up close and personal. Loose associations to the Narcissists may find it very hard to believe the Narcissist is this way because they only see the fascade of who they are. It's only those who get entangled closely to them. In this case, I'm referring to a boyfriend/girlfriend, or wife and husband.

The Narcissistic Reaction and Process throughout the Relationship

Narcissistic Injury and Narcissic Rage Occurs during the Devaluing Stage. They cannot tolerate to hear criticism of negative feedback about themselves. To do so, is what's called a Narcissist Injury (NI). A healthy person can take constructive feedback well, and doesn't let that feedback destroy them. For a relationship to be healthy, there must be the safeness to give and take constructive feedback. This is not an ability a Narcissist is capable of. To a Narcissist, a NI can often feel like you've thrown a grenade into their lap. They want you to see them as perfect, like in the beginning of the relationship where 'love is blind.' They can do no wrong, and they want you to embody that too. They don't want to see cracks and flaws in their reflections you mirror to them. Of course, this is impossible for any human being walking on this earth. This is what is idealized in the mind of a Narcissist. When a Narcissist's ideal is shattered, they begin to devalue and abuse the one they are in a relationship with. (e.g. sharing your needs, problems you might have in the relationship, constructive feedback, wanting to establish firmer boundaries can evoke their abuse)

The original myth of Narcussus, the nymph who fell in love with his own reflection is where the term Narcissist originated. He couldn't take his eyes off himself or tear himself away from the reflection that he died there at last. You start to see that they have made you be the reflection in the water. They started by putting you on a pedestal, then proceeded to knock you down with time because they had the impossible demand to expect perfect mirroring at all times in order to keep their over-inflated, grandiose but fragile ego intact and the false sense of self fortified. (i.e. you adoring them and praising them at all times).

Their ability to feel all levels of emotions, joy, empathy, compassion, sadness, and anger is greatly impaired. They are unable to get in touch with their own feelings that range from joy, delight, anguish, compassion and empathy, without it coming from a warped place that threatens their false self. On some level, many Narcissists may even envy that ability in you. They've had to wear a mask to hide these types of emotions which were often rejected, condemned or belittled by the very people who were supposed to nurture, protect, and help them put words to emotions that they were experiencing during the developmental stage or their life. In order to survive their often difficult childhood years, they've had to push away the vulnerable parts of themselves and keep it safe in hiding.

On the flip side of the coin, they are also terrified to be engulfed by your needs in a relationship. In order to tolerate this, they start to pull away from you. It might look like they create the distance through abuse. To see these vulnerable areas you are able to accept and acknowledge in yourself is a threat. They are unable to successfully access those vulnerable emotions within themselves, and literally have a fracture in their soul. (i.e. mind, will and emotions that created the false self. Their real self has not been able to develop properly.) They abuse their victims, and can often have self-destructive behaviors through suicidal ideations, addictions, substance abuse, and high-risk taking behaviors. (This is not for every case, but can be common problem among Narcissists.)

When you've talked to the Narcissist about what your needs are, or what is starting to bother you it's very likely you would have incurred in them what's called, Narcissistic Rage. This is because you implied to them (in their mind) that they are not perfect, and that you are not perfect. They find your range of emotions an engulfing threat, so distance themselves further from you, thus comes the Narcissistic Rage. This is one of the means they distance, devalue then discard.

Their sense of self is already fragile so to defend against experiencing any vulnerable emotions that you are capable of, they often want to retaliate against you. The retaliation can be ruthless and feel cold-hearted should you inadvertently incur their wrath. They will stonewall anyone that threatens to demask the perfect false self image.

This is where the "love interest" of a Narcissist feels devalued and drained. The devaluing and draining process gets stronger over time as long as you choose to stay connected to the Narcissist. A Narcissist cannot meet the emotional needs of others, and certainly not for the one they are in a relationship with. Your emotional and relational needs goes into a deficit the longer you stay in a relationship with a Narcissist. Because vulnerable emotions are threatening to engulf the Narcissist, many often have or currently have addictive behaviors and addictions to substances.

The Discarding Phase in a Narcissistic Relationship

During the devauing stage, Narcissistic individuals also shift into the discarding stage. Discarding can come in the form of: disappearing for periods at a time. It can range from days to months and show up out of the blue without warning. They can talk about being bored in general with their life or with their victims. They were often involved in multiple relationships to cultivate more supply with no sense of remorse about how it affects their victims. (That's often the primary reason they dropped out of your radar for a period of time.)

When those supplies run low, they pop back into your life. If victims try to reject and not allow the Narcissist to return, the begging and promising to change behavior comes out. Often times, the behavior is more lies and deceit. For example, a married man with children met the victim and lied. He told the victim he was single, and started a hot and heavy relationship with them. As the devastating truth came out, the victim is shattered. They promise they are planning to leave their wife and file for divorce. The victim is promised many things, but is nothing more than false hope and lies. Victims often struggle to break the connection to the Narcissist; this is why a lot of support and sound therapy is needed.

After reading this, you might have discovered you are in fact in a Narcissistic relationship. Maybe you've been wanting more information about Narcissism, or want to prevent entering into another Narcissistic relationship. If this resonates with you, I invite you to sign up for free resources on my website: transforminghope.net

If you've considered therapy for some time or have questions about it, and are in the Southern California area, please give me a call for more information: 949-505-9982. I'd love to hear from you. Don't go through any more relational pain.