In spite of your natural desire to have a partner with whom to develop an intimate relationship, you might find yourself, time and again, with partners that are wrong for you; having the same conflicts and arguments that you've had in the past; dissatisfied and alienated.
At times you stay in a relationship in spite of being unhappy. At other times you end it, or your partner does, and you start coping, once again, with being alone, longing to be embraced and loved. But when you embark on a new relationship, telling yourself that "this time it must work", you find yourself in the old familiar situation, and the cycle continues...
So what's going on here? How is it possible that something you so much desire often remains so far out of your grasp? Is there anything you can do to change this situation?
Sandra's story (Sandra's case will be used throughout this article as an illustration)
Sandra didn't understand what was happening. How could it be that despite her strong desire for a relationship and after having had quite a few, she still hasn't managed to find and cultivate one that's right for her? Something always seems to go wrong: it either turns out that the partners she falls in love with aren't suitable for her; that the arguments and disagreements they have made the situation unbearable; or the relationship simply ends, sometimes at her initiation, sometimes against her will. Damn! Will she ever manage to find and cultivate a satisfying, long-term relationship? Is that even possible?
Just like Sandra, it is likely that you too, after yet another failing attempt wonder: "what went wrong?"; "what did I screw up?"; "how is it that once again I find myself with a partner who isn't right for me?"; "how did I come to be alone, again?"
You wonder how it's possible that you're still not capable of finding a partner that's right for you: you might have already made more than a few attempts; you've met new partners, fallen in love and lived with them. So why can't you manage to develop an intimate and satisfying long-term relationship?
At times, to ease your pain, you look around and see a significant percentage of couples that fight, even separate, and you tell yourself: "I'm just like everyone else"; "if everyone else runs into problems, why should I be any different?"; "if that's the way things usually are, then I am fine" - thus justifying and rationalizing your own situation, even if, deep down inside, you yearn to find and develop "your own" kind of relationship; one that will satisfy you; one in which you'll feel "at home"; one you won't have to constantly worry that it might collapse, like so many times in the past. Is it too much to ask?
As a matter of fact, this is not too much to ask. Finding and cultivating an intimate, satisfying relationship is a very natural and human desire. So what can you do in order to finally succeed?
You can succeed developing a satisfying intimate relationship once you embark on The Journey to Self-Awareness
Sandra decides that she has to do something. She wants to understand how come her relationships always failed. After all, she has so much love to give and such a strong desire for a serious, intimate bond. She tells herself that it's time she stops blaming "all these men": is it really possible that not even one of them is right for her? She's afraid to think that maybe it's something in her that's preventing her from finding and cultivating a genuine, intimate relationship. But since she's already gone out with quite a few men, and still hasn't found one that's right for her, the problem, after all, might lie within her...
In a heart to heart talk with her best friend, Sandra is encouraged to start looking inwards; to discover that maybe there are things about her that she doesn't know, which are sabotaging her relationships.
While Sandra is afraid to look inwards, she hopes she'll discover something that will make her understand what's happening; whether there's something she can do to change things within herself which will enable her to find and cultivate a genuine, intimate, long-term and healthy relationship.
When you honestly and truly wish to understand what's going wrong with your relationships and if there is anything you can do otherwise, you can embark on The Journey to Self-Awareness. This journey is based on a genuine willingness to become aware of what controls your attitudes about partners and relationships as well as your reactions and behaviors. It is the understanding of what drives you to sabotage your relationships makes you fail time and again. As you gain this understanding you can then move on to making the necessary changes and become able to develop a successful intimacy.
How can you begin The Journey to Self-Awareness?
Sandra gets up the courage to ask herself questions that she'd avoided asking until now. To examine and check, in all honesty, her modes of behavior: has she given to her partners out of love or on condition that... ? Has she approached them with demands or complaints? Has she had unrealistic expectations?
Sandra is examining, within her own self, whether she was authentic and genuine with her partners. She is wondering: Was she closed and cautious? Did she refrain from expressing her own desires for fear that they would leave her? Did she criticize them? Did she accept them as they are? Did she have unrealistic fantasies? Did she become dependent on her partners? Did she love them "so much" that she made them feel smothered? Did she make jealous scenes? Did she cling to them all the time? Did she stop them from doing things with their friends?
It takes Sandra some time to ask these and other questions; to think, recall and honestly answer herself. It isn't easy. At times it's frustrating, annoying, and even scary. But Sandra knows, deep down inside, that she's going in the right direction. She's discovering things about herself she never knew. Slowly, she's discovering Sandra!
Questions to ask yourself in order to understand what makes you sabotage your attempts at relationships
Just like Sandra, you can begin your journey to self-awareness by asking yourself questions you might have never asked yourself before:
* How did you behave until now in your relationships? Were you genuine? Did you allow yourself to be open and honest with your partner or were you closed and cautious, afraid of being hurt?
*Were you true to yourself and behaved in ways that felt right to you, or did you sacrifice yourself and behaved out of neediness?
* Did you get into relationships out of your own free will, with a sense of empowerment, or did you jump into a relationship with whomever seek you out, out of your own neediness and dependency?
* Which fears discouraged you from having a relationship, or controlled you when having one?
*Is there anything you would like to change, but are afraid to, or don't know how?
... And many other questions that you can ask yourself which will shed a light on what it is that drives you to sabotage your relationships time and again.
Beginning your Journey to Self-Awareness
If you feel it's about time you get a grip on what makes it impossible for you to find and develop the relationship you want, you should embark on your own Journey to Self-Awareness.
Throughout the journey you will develop the means to look inwards; to ask pertinent questions you might have asked yourself until now; you will understand and learn about a host of factors which you were not aware of until now, which have driven you to react and behave with your partners in ways that sabotaged your relationships. These can be factors such as fears, needs, messages you internalized at a young age, your beliefs and judgments, your perception of reality of how things "should" be in a relationship, the expectations and fantasies you might have about love and relationships which prove to be unrealistic and cause you to harm your attempts.
As you develop Self-Awareness and become aware of such factors you will become able to change behavioral patterns you have been used to, and embrace more effective behaviors essential to developing a successful intimate relationship.
What/who can help you embark on the Journey to Self-Awareness?
If you are truly motivated to develop Self-Awareness and to understand what makes you fail in your relationships time and again, you can do so via a variety of means: by reading books and articles on the subject; by attending workshops on self-awareness, and/or by seeking the help of therapists and counselors whose main orientation is in helping others develop self-awareness.
A word of caution
Developing Self-Awareness is not a matter of one-time-shot (one article, one session, one workshop). It is rather a process: a journey into areas you have not been aware of until now. This takes time and patience.
In today's environment of the need for a "quick fix", the availability of various avenues to the dating-game and the endless tips and stories appearing in the social-media about dating and relationships, your intention to deepen yourself in the Journey to Self-Awareness might quickly erode. But if you have been failing in your attempts at relationships time and again, and if you truly and sincerely wish to find a partner with whom to develop a successful intimacy, developing your awareness might be key to your success. Investing time in becoming aware is therefore a worthwhile investment.
Doron Gil, Ph.D., a university teacher, conselor and consultant, is an expert on the link between Self-Awareness and Successful Intimate Relationships. In his book: "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: Understanding Why You Fail in Your Relationships Over and Over again and Learning How to Stop it! " Dr. Gil explains how being unaware sabotages relationships and teaches how to develop Self-Awareness: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Awareness-Guide-Successful-Intimate-Relationship/dp/143925141X/
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