Believe it or not, a lack of trust and intimacy in your relationship can be the real passion killer. So, how to recognise trust and intimacy in your relationship?
These vital relationship components can be understood as the glue which holds your relationship together. Without them your married life will be one struggle after another and you may wonder if it is worth it at all. You will know whether the type of trust I am talking about here is present in your relationship by the overall feeling of well-being you would get when thinking about your marriage and your partner.
Some Questions you can ask yourself in order to determine your trust level:-
- Do I feel that he/she has my best interests at heart most of the time?
- If he/she has a problem do I know that they would come to me with it?
- Does he/she think for themselves and make intelligent decisions which also bear me in mind when necessary?
- Will he/she apologise to me when they know they have messed up and caused me upset, even though it may be uncomfortable for them to do so?
Also make sure you ask yourself the same questions regarding your own behaviour and thoughts. The answers to all these questions ought to be 'yes' for your marriage to have the best chance of working and of being a very happy place to be!
When this state of trust exists as the basis of your relationship, you automatically evoke deeper levels of intimacy. The stage is already set and there is no limit to how far your intimacy can reach - it's up to you. The more intimate you are about each other the more passionate you will be with each other.
What trust and intimacy really do is prime you both for opportunities of sexual encounters with each other, as that is where your focus will be.
What to do if trust and intimacy are missing from your marriage:-
The first place to start rebuilding (or building) these two important relationship anchors is with yourself. Start now and find even one area where you feel trust and intimacy has diminished or is missing in your relationship. Next make a commitment to yourself to keep it in focus all day, waiting for an opportunity to take maybe just one step forward toward a more intimate relationship and sex life.
For instance, your lack of trust and intimacy may be causing you to feel unable to apologise when you know you are wrong and have hurt your partner. Now play-out a few of these exchanges in your mind, drawing up as much of the original feelings as possible. Think about what these feeling really represent - ego. anger, sadness, frustration etc., this will help you to understand your own motives in a deeper way.
Now you can try to imagine what you partner may have been feeling as the 'wronged' party. Try changing roles, replacing them with you - how do you think you would have felt if it had been you on the other end of that argument?
You are now in a perfect position to feel regret for your behaviour towards your husband/wife and this will enable you to lower the wall of resistance that you have built up between you. When you diminish the need to be right even when you know you're not and to control even when you know you shouldn't, you open the door for love to flow through.
Look at your partner in your minds-eye, remember how much you love them and how close you want to be with them. This way you will truly want to be more agreeable and to create an atmosphere of togetherness, which is a great part of trust and intimacy.
This technique is much easier to do than it is to explain and invaluable when it comes to increasing trust and intimacy which will improve your sex life and relationship. Now, look out for times when you begin to stand on a point out of pride, shame, sheer bloody-mindedness or the need to feel in control.
During at least one of these exchanges because you will have been pre-focusing, waiting for your opportunity, you should be able to determine what your motives really are and whether they are less than supportive of trust and intimacy between yourself and your partner. You will then have a moments 'space' in your mind - ask "What is the outcome I really want here"? If your answer is to feel closer to your partner and to not hurt them, you will know the actions you should take.
By the way, the Book 'A Thousand Questions For Couples' is a fantastic resource for helping partners understand the real reason for their attitudes and behavior.
If you are capable of apologising before too much damage is done, it will probably stop your partner in their tracks too as they will then have nothing to resist against. Now, the first time this happens it may be a bit awkward, but believe me, it doesn't take long, using this method, to rebuild trust and intimacy, which means you will both be drawn to share much deeper experiences.
With the fear of criticism and arguments diminished you'll both be able to rely on each others' understanding and love. This facilitates sexual intimacy as you will both now be demonstrating trust and love and you will have each other best interests at heart.
Turning trust and intimacy into passion is easier than you may think:-
Be certain to use plenty of eye contact when communicating with your partner, be as expressive as possible to convey your true inner feeling for them, ie. love, respect and trust. Smile frequently during exchanges as you most likely did at the start of your relationship. You will be surprised at the effect these small gestures will have on your marriage. Focusing your attention in this way will help you to identify the areas of your relationship which have been neglected and therefore starved of positive energy.
Give your partner plenty of encouragement and approval for being the unique person that they are and for the way in which they express this. For instance, "I love your taste in clothes", or "I love the way you objectively handle difficult situations", and "Your quiet confidence is very appealing".
These comments say something positive and flattering about the person and express your approval and attraction for them. The channel is now open for an equally intimate reply such as, "Well, I had you in mind when I chose this particular shirt, I know you love silk", or "You've obviously being paying close attention to me, I like that" and "You're very appealing too, but it's not because of your confidence!!"
This type of banter is very intimate and requires trust in your partner not to knock you back, but to go with the flow and respond to the feeling of the exchange. Now you both have your attention on each other and are enjoying exploring your flirtatious natures.
These kinds of interactions will definitely stir up passion in you both and the more often you engage with each other in this way the more sensual you will feel and the more likely it is that you will want to make love.
We are all capable of just having sex with our partners without the benefit of trust and intimacy, but when you discover the difference that the presence of trust and intimacy makes, you then know which direction you want to pursue. Once you experience the new depths of passion that are now available to you there's no way you'd want to go back.
My name is Sue Marie Richards and I'm a Personal Development & Relationship Coach who specialises in Human Potential. I am also a practioner and advocate of Scientific Hand Analysis. An extremely useful resource for improving trust and intimacy in your relationship is a book by Michael Webb called 'A Thousand Questions For Couples'. Using his formula helps you to really understand the underlying reasons for your partners attitudes and behavior. You can find a review of this book on my website - http://www.savemyrelationshiprules.com
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