Why Marriages Get Stuck

An acquaintance of mine, who thinks of me as a "Marriage Guru," asked me for some advice to help him re-energize his marriage. I shared with him examples of what others are doing to freshen their own marital relationships.

To which he replied, and I speak verbatim, "If I share your examples with her, my wife will expect me to do the things you are telling me".

What a sad, sad state of affairs. He basically acknowledged that my ideas were sound; he just wasn't interested in improving his marriage.

This statement then got my mind whirling for the past few days, trying to understand the root of such a remark and how my learnings can be shared with you.

What I discovered is that change is based on three things happening. If one of them does not take place, then the marriage will not improve.

#1- The people involved must want to change
#2- You must understand the roots of the problem
#3- There must be some form of accountability to ensure progress and success

You see, this is why I believe that things like weight loss programs do not work.

The person may want to lose weight (#1), so they go to the weight loss clinic. There is accountability (#2), as the person must count their calories and exercise every day, then report the results to their "coach". But what is not addressed is the root of the problem. Why is this person overweight? Are there emotional or psychological issues that have caused the person to overeat? Perhaps these issues have gone away temporarily, or not been top of mind while focusing on the weight loss regimen. But then, at some point in the not too distant future, these "issues" resurface and the person goes back into a psychological state where they use food for comfort or as an outlet for their problems? As the weight loss clinics do not deal with the root of the problem, just the accountability, this is why I believe that most people that lose weight regress and gain it all back again.

So how does this theory apply to marriage?

In the story at the top, the person clearly does not have an interest in changing. There are issues in the marriage that he simply does not choose to address. So no matter what he reads, understands or is held accountable, he will not work to improve his marriage.

But for the "average" couple, if there is such a thing, they simply need to reawaken the love and friendship in the marriage. It is not that they hate each other; it is just that they have gotten themselves into a rut and don't know how to get out of it.

That is where simple exercises can help them recognize what they need from each other and work on those things to rekindle the flame.

The problem with most couples is that they want to change and may be able to figure out the root of their problem. It is the accountability factor that prohibits them from completing the circle.

It is so easy to say to your wife that you will make a conscious effort to do this or that, but what happens? We are so busy with work and raising the kids that we may focus on the change factors for a day or two, if lucky, and then get right back into the old routine.

This is where some type of coach can be the key to actualizing the desired change of behavior and seeing real improvement in the marriage. A coach can complete the loop with accountability.

I will add that if a coach sees that the issues between the couple are beyond his scope and may require professional help, he will make that recommendation too.

So when you are thinking about how you can improve your marriage, don't just think about wanting to change and understanding what is wrong, find a way to be held accountable.

~ Steve

Steve Schloss is the author of "The Man's Secret to a Happy and Sexy Marriage in Less Than 10 Minutes a Day". He is an author, public speaker and men's relationship acceleration coach.

Visit http://www.mantomantalks.com and order a copy of "The Man's Secret to a Happy and Sexy Marriage in Less Than 10 Minutes a Day." Also, Download a FREE copy of "How to Romance Your Wife in Marriage."