Introduction in the World of Dating a Narcissist.
Getting involved with a Narcissist is usually the story of a 1-sided relationship. It's like dancing the tango with an emotional vampire. (1)
You hope you come out of that dance alive with your life source intact. This article is designed to help you identify if you are in a relationship with a Narcissic Individual and what usually happens when you are. There are specific stages in which a Narcissist interacts in their more "intimate" relationships. They are unable to truly be intimate in an authentic way where you are able to experience feeling nurtured as well in the relationship.
Narcissism is such a dynamic and encompassing topic that I will not be covering every single point about it. There are Narcissistic Parental figures, adult children of Narcissists and of course Narcissists in the work arena. There are also different degrees of severity. Not all Narcissists will necessarily fit the 5 out of 9 characteristics needed to make the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as noted in the DSM-IV. They generally will have similar characteristics in some areas.
There's so much that can be written and Narcissism can have some variations to it (for example many Narcissists may have or been substance abusers, but not necessarily all have abused substances) Primary, distinguishing characteristics will be present, however such as (2):
*lack of empathy
*entitlement and a grandiose inflated sense of self importance (through achievements, expecting special treatment)
*charming in the beginning, to win over unknowing victims
*arrogant and haughty
*controllers
*lack of core identity (think of someone who is a chameleon. They will morph into what you think they want. It's to win you over, but eventually, it's to suit their own personal interests through mirroring)
*will rub shoulders with other special or high-status individuals because it reflects well on them. Think status by association.
*Takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own end.
*Envious of others, but often believes others are envious of him/her.
*Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, idealized love and beauty.
I'm also going to write this series of articles from a dating partner to longer term relationship perspective. (I will not be taking about a Narcissistic Parent to child in this article.)
There are characteristic cycles in how they "relate," which are toxic in the end for you. They can be difficult to spot early on since they can present as incredibly charismatic and charming. They are not normally criminals or dead beats, but can often serve in prominent positions in your community or known as "upstanding" citizens. They excel in their work and are often very talented individuals. They are often the life of the party in social circles with acquaintances. They might be doctors, attorneys, CEO's of major companies. They might be politicians, professors, clergy or celebrities.
They have a very grandiose sense of self. It manifests as: over-confidence to arrogance, haughtiness, charming, and often deceptive. There is a real dynamic of Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, but it is usually those who try to get involved on a deeper level who experience this up close. (i.e. romantic interest, family members) Although the DSM IV reports that 75% of Narcissists are male, there are also many female Narcissists on the rise.
If you've been entangled with one or suspect you might be in a relationship with one, this article is for you. Don't be hard on yourself if you find out that you are, or you find it difficult to leave them. They are charming in the beginning for a reason, even if it is pathological.
Causes of Narcissism:
While there is no known cause of Narcissist Personality Disorder, there has been much research (3) conducted on possible causes. They are as follows:
- Severe emotional abuse in childhood
- Unpredictable or negligible neglect by caregivers in childhood
- Excessive pampering or praise in childhood
- Excessive criticism for poor behaviors in childhood
- An oversensitive temperament at birth
- Genetic abnormalities impacting psycho-biology (connection between brain and behavior)
Who do they Usually like to Date?
Without a doubt, Co-dependents are groomed to serve the Narcissistic individual since they already struggle with meeting others' needs at the expense of their own. They often struggle with poor boundaries and tolerate abusive behavior far longer than someone who does not struggle with co-dpendency. (see video blog series on Co-Dependency at graciechristinelu found on YouTube)
However, it is important to remember it is not necessarily individuals who struggle with co-dependency that Narcissists target. They look for characteristics in those who are strongly independent, empathic, highly sensitive, and who makes them look good. Remember, it's about how you will reflect on them.
1. Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein, PhD.
2. As defined in the DSM-IV for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
3. Narcissistic Personality Disorder Causes, Statistics, Signs, Symptoms and Side Effects by AddictionHope.Com.
Are you walking on eggshells at this point in your relationship?
Do you recall that the beginning of your relationship felt like a bed of roses, but then turned into a nightmare?
Perhaps you've considered ending the relationship with your significant other, but didn't recognize they were Narcissistic. You might need more help along the way. Visit my website for more free resources at: http://TransformingHope.Net
If you have any questions about therapy and are in the Southern California area, please call: 949-505-9982. Looking forward to hearing from you.
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